Santa = Satan

gee, why on earth would i say such a thing?

i have yet to meet a single person who felt the way i did as a child. i'm still searching. so i hope putting this up here will help me find that person.

i am claustraphobic. i did not like santa as a child. there are a few pictures of me hightailing it away from him in a baby walker. when i was very small, santa was a big creepy man who had an abnormal beard (yes, i noticed that it wasn't like other beards!) and smelled funny. "ho ho ho!" never sounded happy to me, santa sounded wicked pissed. perhaps how i grew up is the real kicker.

so as a child i was told that if i was bad, santa wouldn't bring presents for anyone. well, honestly, i really didn't give a fuck about the presents for me. since early childhood, i rather would have done my own shopping in the mall and taken advantage of bargains (you should have seen me with the sale circulars at 5!). much more fun and i could get exactly what i wanted. it was my family being angry with me on xmas morning because santa didn't bring them presents that caused apprehension. do you have any idea what amount of stress i was under because if i did one little thing wrong, well, my family would go downstairs to an empty tree and blame ME?!

how did i figure this out? well, where i grew up, someone always got robbed on xmas- presents stolen, apartment ransacked, etc. the thief was never caught. every year it was on our tv, no fail. i lived in a big city. well, my parents also told me santa brought a lump of coal for bad kids. of course i was about 4 years old, so when my father said this, i didn't know what a 'lump of coal' was. we didn't use coal. my ability to comprehend wasn't at peak, so i heard it as 'lumper coal'. yeah, whatever 'lumper coal' was, it was something bad. so i thought it meant no presents.

the legend goes santa made presents in a workshop at the north pole. well, as a child, i watched geography shows with my parents on pbs. according to that, no lone lived on the north pole period. so the idea seemed far fetched, especially with the amount of presents he had to make, which all said 'made in taiwan' on them. so i figured he was more like a robin hood than a santa claus, stealing the presents from bad people and giving them to the good. this was what 'lumper coal' meant to me.

of course, growing up in the city in the 1980s also meant another lesson taught- stranger danger. never open the door for anyone. don't go near cars. it goes on. i was an only child on top of that which made my parents even more clingy. so why the hell were we letting a stranger in a red suit into our home?! and the risk of him ransacking our home on xmas eve made it all make even less sense. why did we put out presents we were giving to each other for santa to steal and not lock them up?

my parents would make me sit on santa's lap no matter how scared i was with the threat of "we can't have christmas if you don't sit on santa's lap." they have a photo of me, clearly uncomfortable, forced to sit on his lap. WHY?! WHY?! i wasn't a bad kid, but i had this horrid fear that no matter how good i was, especially around xmas, it wasn't good enough for santa and our house would be robbed. i asked my parents, "why does santa come?" "why can't we just give presents to each other?". of course, it was answered with, "santa HAS to come!" i was also told the, "behave because santa's watching!" even if i didn't do anything bad. so i was even more reluctant to express my fear of santa, worried that my fears would cause santa to rob us- because he saw and heard everything.

i tried my hardest to put a stop to this evil santa claus. i told my parents i didn't want him to come. i didn't want my family's presents stolen at my expense. i was just trying to stop santa's evil ways. it wasn't about presents- it was about protecting my family. i ran around on xmas eve making absolutely sure the windows and doors were locked tight. a habit my mother thought was quite odd until i explained it about 10 years later. i even tried to put chairs under the door knobs like i had seen in cartoons to keep santa out. i did it in my room when i went to bed xmas eve. well, none of it worked. and every year he still took a bite of the cookies we left out and left us presents.

most people would think with the nice presents that my fear would stop. it didn't. after we had presents, i would still be apprehensive, because next year we might not be as lucky.

my thoughts went deeper than that, even as a small child. why didn't santa give gifts to my childhood friend who was hindu? she was nice girl. how could being hindu make her a bad person? why were some of the poor kids skipped over as well? they were nice. santa and his cruel threats made no sense. i could never understand people's joy over his arrival.

it came to a head when i was about 8 or so. it was xmas morning. it was the year my parents decided to tell me he wasn't real. i came down to no presents from santa and thought santa had robbed us and it was my fault. i had a complete meltdown with my grandmother. i told her everything i thought about santa, which she had no idea because my parents told me my feelings were foolish, so i kept them to myself. i kinda flipped at my folks, angry for them for ignoring my fears. my grandmother said something i deeply love her for to this day, " oh honey, i'm so sorry!" she held me close, " i wish you had told us you were scared of santa. i had no idea! if you didn't want santa to come, he didn't have to! we will have no more santa in this house, ok? it will be just us." she told my parents no more santa.

from that point on, santa was forbidden from the house. i started buying my own presents as well, taking advantage of yard sales and after xmas bargains, much to the surprise of my family (my grandma wasn't surprised). 20 years later, i'm not angry at my parents over this. i understand my parents just wanted to pass along a childhood tradition they were fond of. santa was a fun tradition for them as both kids and parents. however, they weren't petrified of him as kids.

so i guess i'd like to find that someone who had that fear. and i'd like to tell parents out there: it is NOT CUTE to force your kids to sit on santa's lap while they cry. it's downright CRUEL. i hope this story shows you that kids aren't as stupid as you'd like them to be. i know watching your kids' eyes light up on xmas morning is fun, but please, that feeling of fear lasts a lot longer than the joy of xmas morning. if your kids don't like santa, please don't make him come like mine did. no child should have to spend xmas eve scared- it's supposed to be a happy holiday. i think telling the truth to kids about santa is even better. i wished mine had done it sooner. to be honest, i was much happier when i knew santa wasn't real, and i didn't feel like i was being made the butt of a cruel joke.

now, i don't even celebrate xmas. i was the first in the family to leave christianity. while i don't have any real religious affiliation, we still have a nice, quiet solstice.

Fox News Attempts to De-Mystify Strip Clubs for Couples

ok, i'll give them some credit for the republican-funded station for not condemning strippers to hell- again. but i have some problems with this article: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,579672,00.html

why is it that whenever the subject is brought up of heterosexual couples visiting a strip club is a strip club with male dancers never mentioned? i think it's very one-sided to not mention it. i am starting to doubt that this article was written by a woman in the first place. what woman wouldn't acknowledge the other side of the coin?

and why is it that with most men i meet, they are dying to bring their girlfriends to female strip clubs but are in toddler-like hysterics at the thought of gazing at male anatomy? you have a penis too, big deal. what are you so scared of? you expect your girlfriend to be more "open-minded", yet you yourself refuse to be. the familiar spoken lines of: "oh, it's just for fun.", "it doesn't make you gay to look at a naked woman." and "most girls are fine with it." seem to fade at the idea of having to look at your fellow men strut their stuff. it take balls to be a fag, sweetheart.

back to my commentary on the article:
in #1, the writer mentions skipping foreplay. excuse me, but foreplay is awesome! this sounds like a wham bam thing, and i dont know too many people who want their sex life to be 5 minute intervals. at least i don't. and 'work'? if you view sex as 'work' then you're doing it wrong.

in #2, how can a stripper be a mutually desired "object" if both parties are straight? unless she's referring to a hermaphrodite stripper, it's not gonna work. and what is up with this expectation of women to be bisexual and our society's repulsion of a bisexual man? i have a feeling that 'little bit of bi' so many women claim is also just as prevalent in our male counterparts- they just won't admit to it.

the writer also makes references to having an unattractive dancer around to have the woman feel more attractive herself. seriously, that is so pathetic and childish! i wonder if a person should even try to be in an adult relationship with that one. i see myself as me. if you think i'm ugly, there's the door. if a "man" would try to put me in a position where i would need to "compete" for him, i have batteries, thankyouverymuch.

the article also mentions the strip club as being "taboo" and "naughty". i just dont find it that way. taboo is having sex in a hydrotherapy tub- hell, i think that may be more than taboo, that's just downright twisted.

the one thing the article nailed on the head was about strip clubs being safe and free from the worries of stds. i wish more people would consider this one. it also frees a person from the requirements of child support for 18 years, which some disgruntled parents have told me is the worse std of all.

and now for my own opinions on the matter:
if a couple wants to go to a strip club, that's their business. don't pressure your partner to go. if your partner is unhappy there, leave. if you're unhappy and your partner won't listen, excuse yourself to the bathroom and when s/he's not looking, bolt. don't stay there and take your bad time out on the people who work there- it's not their fault, it's your partner's for not listening to you.

personally, i'm not against strip clubs. people work there so they can pay their bills. people go there to watch attractive dancers and be entertained by them. not everyone likes strip clubs, but that's why we have a wonderful thing in this world called choices.

"Thanksgiving"

so yesterday i'm sure many of you sat around a fancy schmancy dining room table with your families (bickering or not) and overindulged in turkey and side dishes. i did not. i haven't done it for years- before it became 'hip' to rebel against the so-called 'turkey day'.

why do we have to eat turkey? when i was a kid, it was told to me that the pilgrims ate it, so we have to as well. well, of course, i wondered at the age of 6 why didn't the pilgrims have pizza instead. i mean turkey was ok, but shouldn't we have something super-awesome for a holiday? like pizza? or chocolate cake? nope. it was turkey and blueberry pie- with 1/2 the sugar cause some of my family liked it that way. BO-RING!!!

thanksgiving is such a confusing holiday in this country. and so debated- with one side commemorating the pilgrims' landing at plymouth rock and another just using it as a time to give thanks, when really truly, all they do is engage in gluttonous behavior and bicker with family. doesn't sound like a 'thanksgiving' to me. usually women bust their asses in the kitchen all day to make a meal, probably feeling little thanks is given to them and horrible family pressure to have everything be 'perfect'. to be honest this crap truly disgusts me. it 100% misses the point of giving thanks. it turns into just a day of petty bullshit.

so i celebrate the day very differently from just about everyone i know. i give thanks in a different way. i take the day to do charity work for the homeless. nothing will make you appreciate what you have been blessed with until you look at thousands of people who flock to a turkey dinner, ragged, down-trodden and tired. when you stare deeply into their eyes because it seems the holidays are the only time people remember the unfortunate exist. what about the rest of the year? well, sometimes i make sandwiches for a shelter and drop them off. because people need food everyday, not just thanksgiving and xmas.

for food, well, i eat what i love and am truly thankful for- hot krispy kreme donuts. i pound those damn donuts since it's the only day i allow myself to eat them. i eat about 1 dozen- and am blessed with not gaining a pound. i am VERY grateful for the nice people at krispy kreme. if i'm going to eat something fattening, i'm going to eat things i truly love, one of them is krispy kreme. the good news is while everyone else has turkey coma, i will be wired from sugar and the coffee i have with my cherished donuts. what law says we HAVE to have turkey? what if the food you're truly thankful for is chef boyardee? well, eat it then!

it really brings me great joy to watch the eyes of the unfortunate light up when presented with a hot krispy kreme- something that they probably are hardly ever given. the volunteer i gave them to yesterday marveled that the donuts were still hot and was very happy that someone out there knew just how great it is for once to not eat stale leftovers. this dates back to over 5 years ago when i first moved down south.

back then, i was a broke kid with nothing but an old car and the clothes on my back. it was thanksgiving and with a few bucks and being alone, i decided i'd grab some chicken wings that night, my first meal of the day. so i walked through the ghetto i had moved into to hit the wing place. a couple pulled up in the parking lot in a new black mercedes. the lady driving put the window down. she asked if i was homeless. well, i didn't know what these people had in their heads, so i said, 'what's it to ya?' keeping back from that mercedes, a bit guarded. she asked if i needed food. i told her i was hoping to try to get something to eat (which $4 wasn't going to buy much). she told me she felt blessed and asked me to come over so she could give my something. this offer probably had to do with my small size and being a girl alone in a not so good neighborhood. i was a bit cautious when i started approaching, scared they'd snatch me. well, by the powers that be, that lady gave me a nice amount of $$$!!! can you believe it?! what a saint!!! and she told me happy thanksgiving and the couple drove away. my jaw dropped so hard i would have needed a crane to scoop it up. i profusely thanked those people for this. THIS is the true meaning of thanksgiving- and you can bet your ass i ate damn well that night. i also got a little extra food and gave it to the bums outside the chicken place, figuring one good turn deserved another.

and every year, out of thanks for the kindness of that couple, i give back.

recycled life

i have been searching for this documentary for over 1 year now wanting to rent it. well, no luck. i managed to finally find it on youtube. i am almost at a loss for words.

it's about people who live in guatemala city's garbage dump, considered the most toxic dump in central america. they search through heaps of trash that is dropped of daily for food, clothing and even items that can be RECYCLED. yes, recycled.

it really makes me baffled at the people i interact with in my life. how is it so hard to put a plastic bottle in a bin? if you are that lazy, your complaints about getting fat are ridiculous to me. no wonder why you are. you need your escalade to go to then end of the driveway! i'd hate to see what happens when you can't afford that escalade anymore and downgrade to an amc pacer. i'll probably wind up laughing at you as you struggle to figure out how to walk.

this has prompted me to do some research on recycling programs for various towns in the state i live in. if i think they're inadequate, i may start some petitions. wish me luck!

here's the link to 'recycled life' (it's in 4 parts). please watch- and think!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWZFN1rkaSc

if you want a cat to claw your eyes out...

buy him this:
http://www.amazon.com/Joybies-Piddle-Pants-Measuring-Collar/dp/B001N3TT8C/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1248751128&sr=8-5

yes. piddle pants. i do not see a cat possibly being even remotely sane once these are slipped on his behind. supposedly, they are to discourage spraying.

i got a blackberry!

no, i wasnt talking about the phone. i was composting my lettuce a few weeks ago until i could harvest my next crop (which is now seedlings, by the way). lo and behold i discovered the thorny branch that was creeping last year and attempting to conquer my porch has blossomed into blackberries!!! yum!

now to just keep the bush under control and get the berries before critters do...

sometimes i can be the BIGGEST TURN OFF EVER for guys

so i was dropping a girlfriend off at her place one night after a night out. her car wasnt running and she decided i would be the dd that night. i rarely drink so i often am. mind you, this young lady is very tiny and adorable. her gentle demeanor made me feel even more protective since it was a late saturday night.

so we're at a stoplight in my jalopy. i have no a/c. they stopped making the antifreeze for my car ages ago. no biggie. the jalopy will be less likely to overheat now. homie mcthugginsteen and his 3 friends pull up next to us and try to pick us up.

homie: hey girl, how you doin'?
now, to me, he's just being friendly until he says...
where you goin' girls? we wanna hang witch yoo!

of course, having a petite girl in the car makes me more protective and feel more bitchy. and with 4 large men in the car next to us, i'm going to be more guarded. so i make an attempt to be as off putting as possible:

me: i feel like crap and i'm on my period. got a problem with that?!
homie: wha???

the light turned green and the jalopy sped past their fancy large new car.

cute little girl and i burst out laughing. we couldnt stop. i bet homie and his friend laughed too. the good thing: we werent followed home and we were safe. no offense to those guys, but this world isn't very safe for small women at times.

sometimes you just have to be offputting and gross. to the men out there: now you see those cheesy pickup lines DON'T work, and you may not get the answer you were expecting.

and of all the places to accuse me of stealing...

it had to be walmart. lemme tell you, i've been in neiman marcus and nordstroms and have gotten FAR better treatment. and they are stores with a 'snooty' rep. and when i've been there, marvelled at the cost of a handbag the saleslady was nothing but polite to me, even though it was obvious i couldn't afford a luis vitton.

i had bought an item at walmart a few days ago. realizing the item was too large for me without even opening the package (and it was in kid's sizes!) i went to return it. of course, my desire to lower my carbon footprint and not use plastic bags led me into trouble. and here we have places like walmart stressing being 'green' and 'envrionmentally friendly'. yeah right!

i went in to the walmart to return the item, which, at the time was in my purse when i walked in. seeing as it was a small item, i saw no need to get a plastic bag when i bought it. once i got to the proper area of the store, i grabbed the smaller size, compared it to the item i had previously bought, got out my receipt and went to the cashier. the lady sent me to customer service.

so, with my item to be returned WITH receipt in one hand and my item i was exchanging it for in the other, i went to explain to customer service my desire for an exchange. so the customer service rep (who was actually nice and professional) told me i needed a return sticker on my item. i had to walk down to the entrance and have it put on my item. no biggie. of course, at this time two asshole employees had come up behind me and were coping an attitude. figured it wasnt about me, since it was fairly OBVIOUS i didnt steal anything, but nevertheless...

those two assholes from loss prevention got the idea in their heads that i had apparently stolen a pair of socks. yes, socks that cost a few dollars. because apparently the receipt in my DAMN HAND wasnt enough proof i bought them there.

so when i come back, customer service rep is on the phone with loss prevention. and guess what those assholes said while i was STANDING RIGHT THERE at the desk:

they accused me of stealing. saying things such as 'she didn't come in here with that shit' 'wow, what a stupid thing to do, steal a pair of socks. now she can sit in jail over something that stupid.' 'she'll be crying when the cops get here.' 'she's gonna have to learn the hard way.' and then they left. while my rep had to speak to loss prevention on the phone. i picked up on the matter, and horrified, told the rep they could look at the cameras to show that i didn't steal anything.

eventually everything was worked out. now, i wouldn't have minded the phone call the customer service rep had to make, but those comments were WAY OUT OF LINE. those shits are lucky they ran their cowardly asses off or they wouldn't have heard the end of it from me. and you bet i spoke to the manager about it.

can't wait to pass this story along...

moldy bread = ghetto sandwich

so i was going to make a sandwich. i was pretty damn hungry. and the rest of my lovely 79 cent loaf of bread was beyond consuming. i made a sandwich the other day with it, just cut the mold away. the things we do when we're hungry...but today...


yeah, that white stuff is mold. ok, so it's not green mold, but i have standards now since i'm becoming housebroken. i was hungry and thought, ' well, i'll just skip the bread part'. i'm already going without lettuce since i just composted my last crop. looking around my kitchen i managed to score some ritz crackers someone had left at my place and came up with this cuisine:

lunchables anyone? i think this is how it got started...

apparently i look like a homeless heathen...

so today, i was out doing errands in a 'car-necessary' city, walking in the heat with a backpack. i figured the exercise would do me some good. lemme tell ya- i was dripping sweat, but at least it wasn't cold out.

after picking up a few items from a store, i decided to hit the gas station for a quick snack since i had managed to forget to eat today. i should explain this: i only eat when i'm hungry. so it may be at 5pm or 2am. and as much or as little as i need. this is how i can pull off eating crap food sometimes.

at the side of the station, while cars line up for the pump amidst the rush hour traffic, there is a nice small grassy patch of land with some trees to beat the heat. ignoring the 'no loitering' sign, i sat down with my diet coke and chips. hey, i was a paying customer!

i noticed a small bus in one of the parking spaces with teenagers/early 20s people inside. i figured it must be some sort of after school group. two got out for a cigarette. ok, over 18 years olds. they had gone in to get some snacks as well. eventually, they all got back in the short bus. i didn't really pay much attention since i was devouring my chips at a rapid rate. and gulping as much diet coke as i could while it stayed cold. my water bottle was empty, and i didn't want to get up for a refill from the trusty gas station bathroom sink. it was hot from walking 2-3 miles, and i was dizzy from hunger.

i guess they sat in the bus talking for awhile. i dunno how long. until the driver, an older guy with a heavy southern accent hopped out of the driver's seat.
" excuse me, miss?"
i gazed up from my soda and cigarette. he got out to approach me with a large book in hand.
" ma'am, i work with a youth group and we hand out bibles and food for the homeless. are you hungry?"
i should have said 'yes' but i had a feeling...so i nodded 'no'. i had to get somewhere else anyways. more stuff to do.
he continued on, " i would like to give you this bible to spread the word of our lord jesus christ..." he smiled, holding out the book. i could feel the eyes of the young adult christians on me. great.
" naw, man. it's cool, but i'm not christian."
he tried to tell me he wanted me to have it. i politely declined. he wasnt mean about it. actually the guy was very friendly. it was hard not to laugh. or start talking about all the x-rated f-ed up stories in that book that people worship.

he wasnt mean about it, so i had no right to go off on him. they were not yelling sinner at me or anything. but it was so...weird....

i guess i look like a homeless heathen...
on the good side: no one will rob me at a gas station.

Video Killed the Radio Star...

the times they are a changin'- but i am not.

i do not know how to use an iphone. i am typing to you using a secondhand computer with a processor speed you guys would laugh at. and my friends have those funky digital cable boxes and i have no idea how to turn the damn things on. BUT...

i can dial a rotary phone superfast. i can make mixtapes. i know how to sew by hand. i know how to use a metal ice cube tray. i know how to make candles. i am useful for something...

i lived up the final hours of analog tv service. i plugged my trusty rabbit ears into my zenith and watched the stations fade away. i took a breather to go out clubbing to 80s music, of course. those rabbit ears are older than me. and i got a crystal clear picture with them! ok, well, not hd, but for the age of my tv and since it was free, not bad at all. i'm not picky on that.

we laughed at the setup. it was an analog party. i really dont want a new tv. and no, i dont have a converter box either. the last channel to go was a spanish channel.

i even made a cloth patch with computer printed iron on paper and a sticker reading 'long live analog'. (see image) i hope to have stickers available soon on cafepress.

people are pretty much giving away old tvs like no tomorrow. they're free. in some ways it's awesome, now i can get a vintage model for nothing. i'm waiting on people to toss their converter boxes and i'll just snag one then. i have other stuff to deal with, since the tvs i want have dials and screw in-type antennas. so i need a special converter to hook up my (free) dvd player.

and the video that keeps playing in my head is: the buggles- video killed the radio star

the auburndale cannolihead song

so, before i type up the lyrics to this song, i need to first explain the background. back in the day, in the 90s, i would be at south station in boston. sometimes i would stop in the large area where people waited for the commuter rail and sit while waiting for a bus, train, whatever. there was a particular line- the south station to worcester/framingham line. that line had a particular stop that the announcer saw some need to pronounce in a wicked funny way. the stop: auburndale. but no, the announcer didn't just say 'auburndale', no. he said, 'aaaawwww-bundale!' yeah, it was a pretty amusing way to pass the time when analog cell phones ruled and people didn't have internet on their phone yet. when people read newspapers. or made a huge deal out of the little coffee shop that boasted the new 'in' coffee drinks. when women wore chunky heels instead of 4 inch stilettos. when monica lewinsky and windows 95 was all the rage. we had a source of amusement: 'aaaawwww-bundale!'

so after my move down here, once i was able to get internet access, i found out that mike's pastry in the north end fed exed cannolis. down here it's just not the same. maybe somewhere in boston fed exes pizza. i hope so. pizza sucks here. i attempted to try to explain to my new southern friends just what a cannoli was and how good there were from back home. out of excitement and with it being xmas time, we decided to order some. and they were a hit! so good! so then i was asked to share some other things about boston. like the t, the commuter rail, how much it sucks to drive up there, etc. then we somehow got to talking about my amusement with 'aaaawwww-bundale!' this caused my southern friends to giggle with glee. one of them went to his keyboard and began singing, 'aaaaawwww-bundale!!! auburndale cannoliheads! auburndale cannoliheads!' while taping the keys in a very devo-like style. yeah, weird. and then this song came to be. if you're wondering, the tune is to dean martin's 'that's amore'.

here goes:
when the cream hits your eye from a cannoli pie- that's auburndale!
in between west newton and wellesley farms tstops- that's auburndale

people give the mid-dle finger like a hello and you'll sing- fu-uck you
it is mas-sa-chu-setts and you cant find a place to pahk your cah

when the the lobsters from maine and you think it's so plain- that's auburndale
when you walk down the street and it's 18 degrees- it just sucks
when you fall and break your leg, percocet, please senor-ay
xcuse-a me but you see back in old auburndale that is life

tired of high food prices? then grow your own!

i'm completely new to this. i have never gardened in my life. but i do like my fresh veggies. and i really prefer living head lettuce versus a regular one. it stays fresh so much longer and retains more nutrients. however, it doesn't run cheap. so this spring i set out to give growing a shot. i really didn't have much to work with besides a very over gown lawn, some planters my landlord had sitting in the garage, and some potting soil.

so for a mere $7, i got my hands on some peat pots and bibb lettuce seeds. within a few weeks, i had sprouts. finally, i transferred them to the large pots. mind you i have no experience in this.

and this is what i came up with in about 3-4 weeks:


taa daa! yummy fresh lettuce. every day. sitting on my porch. i have been lucky this year and had no pests. for watering, my landlord keeps a trash barrel that fills with rain water, which i use instead of a hose. i eventually plan to try and find ways to filter the rain water to use for laundry, cooking, etc. i'll let you know how that goes.

so if i can do it (with minimal space and resources) so can you!